Mahathir's Journey To Be A Better Man

       One of my previous post mentioned that I was diagnosed with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder). What's funny is that recent years, younger generation somehow label everything as depression as if it's cool. Unfortunately, stigma build over time and it's everywhere in our society. Now, people around me say depression is a weakness, laziness, or lack of faith.       When we open up, they might reply, “Stop being dramatic,” or “Have more faith and you’ll be fine.” But as psychiatrists explain, MDD is a real medical condition, a chemical imbalance in the brain, not something we can just shove away.      So people who have it, hides it. We carry it alone. But then, who’s there when the darkness, the void returns?      All day we wear a fake smile, but inside we’re screaming for support. “I’m constantly looked down on… people assume I’m faking it, that I just don’t have enough faith. Weak Iman... ”     ...

Heard this song recently and it resonate with my situation now so leaving it here. Adele Easy on me There ain't no gold in this river That I've been washing my hands in forever I know there is hope in these waters But I can't bring myself to swim When I am drowning in this silence Baby, let me in Go easy on me, baby I was still a child Didn't get the chance to Feel the world around me I had no time to choose what I chose to do So go easy on me There ain't no room for things to change When we are both so deeply stuck in our ways You can't deny how hard I have tried I changed who I was to put you both first But now I give up Go easy on me, baby I was still a child Didn't get the chance to Feel the world around me Had no time to choose what I chose to do So go easy on me I had good intentions And the highest hopes But I know right now It probably doesn't even show Go easy on me, baby I was still a child I didn't get the chance to Feel the world around m...

       Being a father taught me something I didn’t fully understand until life pushed me into it, real love often means going last.      Not because you're less important, but because the people I love are important to me. Because their peace, their safety, and their happiness come first, even if it costs me a bit of my own. Those days I thought monetary support , putting the family needs is all that is needed, but all this self reflection I have made me realized that I need to put them all in front of me for everything. I am careless before, thinking that there are certain aspect of marriage needed to be covered by my wife rather than me since I covered other areas, boy am I wrong or am I wrong. Now I see it, changed for the better and will remain like this till the day I die. To give some context so you as the reader knows where to apply this trait in your life. Putting you family first can look like this : All those days I went on not eating to sav...

Forget what people say, forget the status, the praise, none of it matters. Because the mirror, it never lies. That reflection staring back at you, that's the real you. Not who you pretend to be, not who they think you are but who you are when no one's watching. You can fool the world, but you can't fool the mirror. It shows your truth, your habits, your laziness, your discipline, your pain. You want change?. Start there, stare deep, face what's ugly, fix what's broken, forgive what hurts. Because greatness starts when a man stop lying to his own reflection.

     Recently I self reflected about the guilt that follows me around. I initially hated it but then I realized that the very same guilt that create shame, and shame is the foundation of humility and repentance. Humility humbles us down and that leads to Iman.       Looking at how sometimes when we received our calling or guidance sent to us but we didn’t pick up the lesson, I come to realized without the guilt and shame, we will not move towards repentance. Hence resulting the Hidayah to fly right over our head.      We just need to find the sweet balance of balancing the right amount humility and guilt to make sure we’re on the right track as too much of it makes us beat ourself up or allowing people to walk all over us because we think we deserve it. Maybe a change of perspective helps, rather than complaining, maybe I can use the guilt to keep me in check.       So shame on me?. For what I have done, I should be h...

       Took a break from writing heavy topic and rather wrote love letters. I've wrote 2 Haiku for our daughter, Lily. It will be fair if I did 1 for my lovely wife before I continue with all the life lesson and experience. We're going to move to our new home, near to my in laws, and a home where it's build from scratch with all decision making is done by both me and Aina together. A place we both can be proud of. So here goes a little something to celebrate our love story and our soon to be new home. A lways, we begin I n quiet moments of love, N estled hearts finds its home. A ll the past has taught us is, T enderness and love, will guide U s through storms and peace. L ily's laugh reminds us that, M agic grows in simplest things, A kiss, a shared glance between you and me sayang. R ooted in the now, the present, D ays bloom brighter with you by my side, H olding hands, we both grow. I n your eyes, I see A  "forever" shaped by love, H eaven in...

 If my first letter was a confession of the pain we carried, let this one be a celebration of the love I now hold, clear, conscious, and grounded in truth. I once loved you from a place of fear, fear of loss, fear of not being enough, fear of being unchosen. But today, I love you from a place of peace. Sayang, I've met myself. In the silence, in the tears, in the spaces where you weren’t, I found the boy I abandoned long ago, and I finally gave him what he needed, safety, acceptance, unconditional love. I don’t chase anymore. I don’t perform. I don’t plead for love with empty hands and a tired heart. I come to you now as a man who is full. Full of self-respect, full of clarity, full of devotion for you. Not because I need you to complete me, but because I want to walk beside you, not as your rescuer, not as your project, but as your equal, your partner, your witness in this life. I see you now, sayang. Not through the lens of my longing, but through the eyes of...

To the love of my life, my wife, my everything, Aina...  I chased you the way I used to chase my mother's love. with desperation, with hope, with a trembling heart that believed "If I can be enough, maybe she won't leave". You didn't ask me to, but I turned you into the woman I needed, to feel whole. So I performed, I become who I thought you wanted, the protector, the pleaser, the perfect man. Always proving, never resting. Because deep down, I didn't believe love could exist without effort, without sacrifice, without pain. I was so afraid of being abandoned that I abandoned myself first, and doing so, I was never truly present with you. How could you feel safe with a man who couldn't even sit with his own pain? Every time you pulled away, every time you went cold, every time you shut down... It activated something primal in me. The terror of being left behind, alone. The shame of not being enough. The ache of a boy still waiting to be chosen. But I see i...

 For a long time, I thought love was about understanding the other person. But now I realize, it starts with understanding ourselves.      When Aina and I first got together, we both brought in a version of ourselves shaped by survival, pride, and emotional gaps. We loved each other deeply, but we didn’t always know how to handle that love gently. We fought. We misunderstood. We reacted. Sometimes, more than we should have.      She had her ways of pulling back when things felt too much. I had my ways of holding on, but with ego, not always empathy. I wasn’t loud or dramatic, but I was emotionally reactive in subtle ways. I took things personally. I wanted to be right. I thought being calm meant I was more "in control" but really, it's not because from time to time I will explode because simply said, I just wasn't doing the inner work.      And the moment I started to do inner work, that’s where things slowly started to shift. The m...

      There was a time when both Aina and I were navigating love with the emotional tools we inherited from our life experience and even wall built from past trauma, some helpful, some harmful, most of them unfinished. We weren’t emotionally mature, not really. We knew how to love, but we didn’t always know how to handle that love, especially when it was tested by Allah through stress, miscommunication, or unmet needs.      We both had our ways of reacting. Aina, in moments of tension, leaned toward separation, pulling away quickly when things felt too much. And while I wasn’t like that, I was still emotionally reactive in my own way. I didn’t always pause to understand, I would respond out of ego, pride, or the need to be right. Both despite the opposite spectrum, is very emotionally driven and can be destructive.      Our fights didn’t always start big. But they got big, really fast. Not because we didn’t love each other, but becau...

      I grew up as the youngest in a family of five siblings. The one closest to me in age was already seven years older, so for most of my childhood, I learned to be alone. While others were busy with their own lives, I played in quiet corners, creating my own worlds. I don’t remember being comforted when I cried, or celebrated when I succeeded. I only remember trying, trying to be noticed, trying to be liked.      Over time, I became the “funny one,” the people pleaser. Not because I naturally was, but because I had to be. Earning attention became survival . Laughter became my language to feel seen. I wore smiles like armor, and read every room like it was a battlefield hence the reaosn why I picked up Aina's mood in a glimpse of second of seeing her or meeting her.      And speaking of battlefields, my late dad, Abaji, may Allah bless his soul, was an ex-army. His love was strict. His presence, while firm, was often felt more as pre...