The 2nd Chance To Restart That Was Wasted

     Now that I've given some back story, let me typed down my biggest wasted opportunity to have a restart. When I met Aina, I've given up on love and I dont intend to remarry anyone as I was so broken beyond repair. Guess what, Aina is on the same page too. She went through the same thing I went through with Leen, her sory involve her ex-fiancee. So you know those rom-com series or movies that show the couple met and they instantly felt the connection?. Yeah we felt that right from the start but for the wrong reasons, we are instantly attracted to each other as we feel like we both are fun and happy go lucky. Little did we know that we both are broken beyond imagination, so much so we both somewhat is going to the path of destruction where we self sabotage our self. 

    At that point of time we don't see it as self destruction nor do we understand why we're doing it. It just feels right. Down the line I finally understand why we did what we did, we are both good people that tries to make people around us happy and we expect that we will in return be treated the same, its beyond our imagination that someone we cherished will hurt us so deeply.

    Well with that said for filler on why this is a misopportunity for me, we continue partying and having fun together until 1 fine night where we we're having our meal together, we work in the same company, she say the dimming part of me that i tried to hide, I guess not good enough because she noticed it. She asked me if I'm doing OK as she can see that something is bothering me. I broke down, simply because i have to have a mask on for 2 years to hide the pain, and to hide the shame I get from what have happened.

    The society ain't fair, if a woman cheated, it's surely because the man did something wrong that makes the woman is looking out and if it's the man that is cheating, surely he's weak to give in to his thirst for lust. Meaning to say, if cheating occur it's always the man's at fault. I have kept my silence for so long until that night, and I open up to her, not seeking for confirmation or validation but what I get from that night, adding to the fact that I know she's a good woman, makes my heart feels alive again after a long time. She told me that she understand me because she went through the same thing. To add cherry on top, she' so gorgeous in my eyes, and you know I'm head over heels for her if I tells you that because I'm not in Malay woman. She, she is something else, out of this world.

    To cut short, we dated, her family rejected me at first as I'm still married, then they requested to meet me which I have divorced Leen by that time, and accepted me. Me and Aina got married, the end. OK OK, the title won't make sense if thats the case. We got married and we didn't plan to have child because I already have 3 boys and Aina thinks she won't be a good mother (which I disagree but obliged to her request). This is where it went wrong, we continue partying and our life becomes much more hectic, we tried substances for the 1st time on the ground of curiousity. 

    We fall in love deeper through this kind of connection because we feels like we can fall back to each other no matter what, to a point I even told Aina that we are not chasing the substance anymore but rather the pure moment we hve for each other. Those moments under the strobe lights in the club where we were facing each other, locking our eyes, smiling through our innocent stare into each other eyes, which we conclude with a passionate kiss. Who wouldn't want that pure bliss? that euphoric feeling of being in love with someone at their raw and purest state, being loved by them the same way?

    But is it healthy?. Because once the rush dies out, we're chasing the next one and it becomes crazier and crazier. I still wants to believe if God haven't intervene and pull both of us out we will still be chasing the rush, 1 hit at a time. Who knows might eventually kills 1 or both of us.

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