Becoming The MONSTER I Hated

     I lay this down so I can own my wrong doing. I'm slowly becoming a better man, servant of God, husband, lover, father, brother and son. I'm humble enough to expose myself to the world so I can serve as a living life lesson everyone out there planning to "merajuk dengan Allah" and take the easy way out because growing internally and spiritually is not easy. To my wife Aina, I love you so much and I want you to know that all this changes I made, is beneficial for me and in return will overflow to you and Lily. I'm becoming the man you deserve.

    The reason why I titled the previous post as the wasted 2nd chance is because I could have just stopped whatever nonsense that we have been doing and focussed on marriage life. I think hard on why that is not the case and I think I can at least tell from my end. I love Aina deeply and I was under the assumption that she loves me because she can be herself and explore all this dark side while I protect her. At the point where I met her, I have concluded that all this escapism is not the answer but watching her having fun and letting lose is the purest thing I've seen in a very long time. I don't feel like being the party pooper for her and would very much wants her to just be herself. I also felt that she might felt that I'm not that husband she wanted, the one she can party with safely. Not wanting to lose her and me having fun with her, makes us to dive even deeper.

    What about the title above you asked?. Well here goes, all this partying and the fact that me and Aina is in our phase "merajuk dengan Allah" where we wanted to self sabotage or self destruct ourself rather than allow it to be done to us unwillingly. Psychologically I believe what me and Aina is doing is to just regain control back. Something we felt that is taken away from us, given this circumstances, the combination of partying, self destruction and trying to be rebel against God, blurs the line of morality.

    For both of us the blurring of lines goes to the territory of venturing into harder alcohol and then new substances, including ones before this is beyond our wildest imagination we will even go close, worst to try. Marriage is no longer this holy relationship tied by promise to God, it becomes this partner in crime relationship where we are also a roommate and this is the starting of our marriage downward spiral of fights, misunderstand, ego standing in our ways, entitlements and the lack of respect for each other. Lies to cover up our feelings to avoid fights makes u walks around eggshells, sometime we're too careful that it's suffocating, sometime it's to out in the air and too honest that it lack empathy. I can't tell for Aina on what else arises from this dark period for her personally.

    Somewhere in the middle of all this mess, the blurriness of morality makes myself to think that it's ok to become the monster I hated, the cheater I swore to never be. I regretted it now but this post is intended to teach some life lesson to whoever that is reading and in Aina reading, to own my wrongdoing as I wnt to be a better man for her. I was so full of myself that I at 1 point after being exposed by Leen out of spite, tried to defend myself that I am going to be remarried to Leen and it doesn't make any difference. Disgusting to even think that I was so delusional that I think of it that way.

    All this is happening while me and Aina's downward spiral is getting worst, party harder, fights get crazier n much more scarier, either from losing each other or the aggression. I started to even be physical. I regretted this so much as well, because the Mahathir pre 2018 will not ever do this. I'm a mess by that time but I still didn't see it. So delusional, I should have seen by that time but I still thinks that if Aina highlighted 1 problem, I should just fix that 1 issue only. This went on for years, we both tolerated each other because we can't deny that we love each other and does have fun with each other. We also do know that we both are selfless for each other. Being love dovey is not our issue but rather I felt like at that point of time, I'm not scared to lose Aina as there's is illusion of option with Leen ebing around.

    Leen made a pack with Aina and Aina stopped relying on me as her safe space, Leen have become the new safe space and this spells out trouble for me because they complained about me to each other. No room for negotiation, no room for growth. Myself being in a delusional world of everything is fine and dandy, this will come at back to bite me in my ass as both Aina and Leen conspire to leave me together. Having enough of my shit, all the discussion they have between them, further fueled the fire.

    Soon the monster that I created, will pay the price, the most expensive price. On 1 of the final few night, myself and Leen had an arguments due to my insecurity of her whereabout on 1 of the day where myself and Aina goes to my mother's place while Leen is in the house. Funny how the insecurity comes from Leen's cheating, but I did it anyway and I'm still scared? I project what I did I guess. To be honest it's not a life you would want to live.

    Always on constant fear of being cheated while you allow yourself doing it because?because she's not a stranger?she's gonna marry you?. No Mahathir no, Mahathir at that time is so hypocritical, I regret what I did and can see right through my own bullshit now, all I can do now is to learn and be better. This blog might teach you what you can do to save yourself, your relationship or your marriage.

    Leen left after 3 days of intense argument, she felt like all her effort to take care of the house, me, Aina and Lily (our newborn baby) goes down the drain, a little context is that despite everyone is suggesting for me to remarry Leen, something just feels off, I don't feel connected with Leen and I don't feel the same way like I have for Aina. Want to know why? because my heart is with Aina. So one of that fight I shouted to Leen that I don't want to marry her. Leen out of spite, exposed me to Aina, destroying what's left of our marriage, to add context, the intensity of our marriage despite it's flawed we were madly in love with each other. 

    Aina left after 2 weeks, my whole world come crashing. For the 1st time in my life I'm left all alone. For the 1st month all I did is cried, a lot to Allah, because you know why?. Being a man in society, you are expected to be strong but do you do when you never ever been alone your whole life and now you're all alone, who else to talk to but the Creator, the one that will never turn down on you, the all Merciful. When the whole world is punishing me for what I have done, He listened to me. At the pit of despair, you will feel the essence of God at it's purest. For the first time in my life I felt small and humbked. All the ego I had before meant nothing, when I was so. arrogant towards the one that creates me all this while. I thought I had it all together, I thought I'm on top of the world, I think all my sins will never catch up with me. He humble me down so much that it crushed my ego and now I bow for Him because He have not forsaken me.

    Aina filed a divorce, the process goes backand forwad for months and it is finalized in early May 2025. I don't want it but I finally understand that my lesson that Allah wanted me to learn is sufficient, it's an ongoing lesson but I get the feeling that it's now both me and Aina's turn or perhaps Aina's turn. It's also partially about learning the meaning of Tawakkal which I will elaborate further in a latter post. There is a lot of life lesson I get from this journey and I will share it in multiple shorter post

Lesson here? 

  • Don't start something that you yourself hated, thinking it will never caught up on you. 
  • Be a person with principle. 
  • Uphold marriage integrity using religion as the glue.
  • Discuss the direction of the marriage and what's the boundaries.
  • Discuss about serious matter and get your partner opinion on everything that matters
  • Don't involved 3rd party as safe space that might be bias.
  • Don't be a hypocrite, a rule for others is the same that should applies for you.
  • Ego will not make you gain anything, in fact life is too fragile to focus on winning your point or argument.
  • Appreciate what you have while you or them are alive.
  • Love without limitation or conditions, you don't know when it will end (through death or separation)
  • Be selfless for each other, be each other servant.
  • Don't stop dating and courting each other, ever.
  • Have a healthy communication channel that both of you speak without being punished.
  • Don't jump the gun and don't assume.
  • Trust in God's plan, He is the best planner and if He send you a good woman, don't waste it
  • Don't turn to escapism through alcohol or substance as you will not get the answer you're looking for.
  • Ask from God and He shall give. Trust me, I have discussion with Aina recently on how many things I asked for was given to me although I'm humble enough to feel that I don't deserve it but trust me Allah say Kun Fa Ya Kun, when Allah say be it, be it.
  • Pray and have that 1 to 1 connection with God, you will be guided. Your spiritual needs should be fulfilled, no matter what religion you are practicing.
  • Stop playing victim and learn from you mistakes to not ever repeat it again

    Trust me when I say you can only lve 1 woman at a time. Don't be greedy. The right 1, 1 is enough for you.

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