The Downfall Before The Pheonix Rise.

 

    To start off I will need to give a little context on my past, I used to be married to my ex wife Leen from 2007 up till 2020. She's my first love and I highlighted this as this will be a cause of a lot of my headache which I will elaborate in a while.

    The marriage was OK, as expected, responsibility and what not. We welcomed 3 boys, the amount of children she wanted because she was raised in a single child family and very vocal of not wanting to only have 1 child because she say it's a lonely upbringing. We got married quite early, I was 20 and she was 21 when we got married. I was under the impression we have enough time to have children at a later age but she insist after a year or so to have at least 1 baby 1st. We welcome our 1st born in 2009.

    We have our 1st place in a rundown walk up apartment, 3rd floor. It was small but we're happy. That was until 2015 where I started to realized that I didn't accomplished anything much outside of the family, work is just OK as I was kind of limited for only having STPM(A-level) and all the job that I landed prior is based on my previous experience only (some actually require degree but I manage to secure the job). 

    There's a major shift in me trying to find my spirituality at that time and making me to dive deeper into Islam but too deep to a point that I believe I was introduced to a questionable group that might be an organization(ajaran sesat who indoctrinate muslim into living in a colony that don't mix with non Muslim).  On the topic of major shift of spirituality journey, I wanted to feel fulfilled as I feel like I have a greater call, to help people (this will be a running theme of me getting myself into trouble) as my family is mainly man in uniform, Army, Policeman, body guards, people servant that protects people so I have some level of weightage to follow the same path. I tried applying for police before but was rejected as at that time I'm overweight, a direct result of not taking care of my body during the marriage. Used to be sportsmen but marriage life hits me differently and I got too comfortable in it. I started reading a lot, in Islam itself and all the other religions, even atheism and its counter argument versus theist.

    And that is my biggest mistakes if you ask me because i strayed away from the path of faith, I started questioning alot of the grey area in religions, all religions, their loopholes or things that don't make sense, including Islam, my own religion that I love and cherished. This combined with my thirst to search for greater meaning in life, caused me to start questioning a lot of things, I started to not be appreciative, my job is not good enough when all this while it's fine, leen is not fun enough, the kids that brings me joy no longer do, and many more. I felt like life itself is not enough. A lot of arguments because I felt like my life is reduced to talking about the kids and bills with Leen. No progress, didn't explore the world, no curiosity on life from Leen but I crave for it, a thirst to all of it.

    Fast forward to 2018 and this is my biggest year in my whole life because while I'm looking forward to finding a better life within the marriage, Leen have a different ideas, she was thinking of an exit and the idea of infidelity with a new person sparks joy in her. She thought the man wanted to take her hand but the reality is the man just wanted access for her body. She left the house and the kids with me, rented an apartment in hope of starting a new life with the Syrian guy she's having an affair. I noticed red flags that she declined when I confronted her before, so when she left I have no idea that its due to the affair butrather I was under the assumption that I was the reason. She got cought when she have to do an MRI scan and I am holding her phone, a message appears that named as Jaan(my love/my heart in hindi). Confronted her and turns out its a Bangladeshi from a kitchen in her company. A blow to myself, and the whole cat is out of the bag now. Everything is a spiral for me now, all the information, all the lies and decption breaks and shatter my reality.

    Hence is the starting of my "merajuk with Allah" phase where I did all the bad things I've been avoiding all this while in hope of regaining some level of control over myself and my life as up till now I felt like I have been robbed away from my dream, my masculinity and my options to strive better. I drink, I partied, I go around, nothing seems to satisfy me until around 2019/2020 where I concluded that this is not the answer as everyday when I wake up the day after, all the problem is still there. Nothing is fixed and nothing disappears.

    Then I met the most gorgeous kind hearted human being, the love of my life, Aina. She gave me reasons to be alive again. She makes me wants to explore the world again. She makes me want to try out new things, new food. All in all my reason to be alive. At that point of time she become the center of my world, until we broke up 10 month after because I want too much of her that it suffocate her and Leen is in the picture. Aina suppose to be my 2nd wife but before we broke up she ask me to choose, and me being the stupid me can't really decide whats best although my heart is with her.

    The break up now becomes a turning point for Leen because she finally got what she wanted then but no longer wants now, the divorce. She thought Aina suppose to be an addition to the family and not to replace her but I know that my heart is with Aina by then. So we start the next chapter, of me being single and in pursue of Aina to take her hand forever. Met her parents and got their approval, but more stories comes out on what Aina did during the break up. A lot of the things that shows I'm replaceable and this itself takes years for me to fully accept through Redha and through being the person that caused the pain, as only then I understand how much Aina wanted me to accept that she have changed. I wish I understand this sooner, it would have save us alot of unnecessary arguments or fights that escalated and changed her perspective on me.

    All this new information makes me now question my decision in letting go of Leen, I know I shouldn't but my stupid heart that wants to save or help everybody, remember? The one I mentioned earlier?. This is where it gave me the biggest test at that time, I should let go of Leen and just continue with Aina happily, or I take leen's hand again and take care of both of them. Guess what I decided, both, wrong choice coz later I will learn that my heart are only able to love 1 person and it is Aina.

    So years flyby, me and Aina have many arguments over the same thing but there's an underlying issue that I failed to see or noticed, Aina don't want to share her husband, because at that time I'm full of ego, any time the topic is raised, it will end with Aina having to agree with me because my intention was good and I guess Aina don't want to appear greedy, I'm not sure what is the reasoning to it but we both agreed for me to also care for Leen, most likely coz she helps a lot in the house. 

    I lost my job in mid 2024, around August or September and years of Aina and Leen talking bad behind my back to each other, all the unnecesary fights, all the unresolved unspoken issue finally cought up. Both Leen and Aina left the house with everyone, for the 1st time in my marriage life. my whole life, I'm all alone and here is the beginning of my journey to be a better man, father and InsyaAllah husband as well.

    So enough with the backstory, let the clown tell you what he learn in his life after losing everything. No job, no wife, no kids, no money, and all alone. Rock bottom eh?, this is below that I guess.