A Life Worth Remembering

     "One day you'll leave this world behind, so live a life you will remember". This lyric from Avicii song strike a chord in me, something inside me understood the lyric very much differently. I know I'm not born to be stuck in a boring life, I yearned for adventure, for a thrilling life and I indeed have a very interesting life. People who are close to me must have heard my amazing and out of this world stories that makes them feels amazed of the life and experience I went through as far. Most of the experience is what I will not recommend anyone who is curious to go through nor I want to repeat ever again.


    As I get older and wiser, my view on what a life that is worthy of being remembered changes and shifted to a calmer and much more peaceful one. All those fun and wild night out comes with a price and genuinely I see it now and I understand it better now. Allah allows all of it to happen but that didn't mean He likes it. I personally experience His wrath many time. A lot of bad experience happened but I still didn't get the hint. He sent guidance (Hidayah) to steer away from the harm I'm causing to myself many times but I refuse to accept and embrace it.


    I wouldn't even claim that all the bad things that have happened, is expensive because to me now what is the most expensive thing to ever happened to me is the fact that the line of what's OK and what's not, my morality becomes blurred. This is my biggest regrets because soon everything that is not allowed becomes tempting. All with the excuse of curiosity and that I'm not causing harm to anybody else.


    Yeap, that's where it went wrong. Everything after that is a whirlwind picking me up on the wildest sinful tornado ride along the boulevard of sinners heading to Jahannam. I lose shame and guilt, you know, the one we used to have when we know we're doing something wrong?. That is the price, the ultimate price. No regrets, no remorse, no shame and no guilt. Do as I please because so far everything wrong is not punished, so I dare to do more because Allah is not going to punish me.

    One thing leads to another and finally, to my shameful act of infidelity, my deepest regrets till date. To not think that Allah will only covers up our sins until the day He decided to expose us, I assumed it's forever. How wrong I am on that. Allah knows everything and Allah is merciful to cover up our sins but that didn't mean I'm living a life with Barakah. One of Allah's name is As-Sitteer, the One who conceals. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

"Allah does not expose a servant who covers up the faults of others in this world. Allah will cover his faults on the Day of Judgment."
(Sahih Muslim)

    This teaches that Allah prefers to cover sins, especially if the person is remorseful and not flaunting their wrongdoings. Bear in mind that Allah dislike His servant that commit sin openly and that's the reason why I say losing shame is the most expensive, because you will start to do it openly without any fear of repercussion or judgement on the sins commited.

In Islam, there's a big difference between sins committed in private and repented for, and sins done openly or boastfully. The Prophet ﷺ said:

"All my Ummah will be forgiven except those who commit sins openly."
(Bukhari and Muslim)

If someone brags about sinning, or sins openly with no remorse, this increases the likelihood of being exposed, either in this life or the next. Me doing it openly and without a drop of worries of paying the price leads to Allah exposing me. I'm not angry or sad that I got exposed but rather see it as a needed wake up call. A smack to the back of my head, a divine smack that is needed to wake me up. The way I see it after a lot of self reflection is as follows. It serves as :

  • As a wake-up call to repent.
  • To prevent greater harm (e.g., if someone is harming others).
  • As a form of justice.
    In that sense, exposure can be both a consequence and a form of divine mercy from Allah, giving me a chance to change and it depends on whether you will be angry at Allah or you thank Him for the wake up call. I was once tested in 2018 and I got angry with Allah, didn't understand and can't Redha with it, I don't want to repeat it again, hence the reason why I change my approach this time. I thank Him for loving me enough to wake me up rather than letting me get away for all my wrong doing and never learn anything.

    This time around I did it differently, I repented (Taubat) sincerely and privately. It felt like it cleanse my soul and I felt a warm assuring feeling from Allah directly that, so long I didn't repeat my sins He will accept my Taubat.

    I studied on how to repent from a shameful sin and I learn this point below.
  • Cover others’ faults, as Allah encourages us to be discreet and compassionate.
  • Avoid publicizing your sins, even if you’ve repented—this can cause harm to you and others.
    Point no 2 felt like I'm being a hypocrite, but do note that I'm writing down all of the sins I did without being too open about it in a way where I'm not boasting it but rather would want you the reader to learn from it so you don't have to repeat my mistakes to learn what I did, while still being discreet. I'm saving you time and hassle from going through all the heart ache or lost of your loved ones just because noone tell you so.

    Islam teaches us that Allah is not looking for perfection, but sincerity and humility. If someone repents and tries to do better, Allah promises forgiveness:

"Indeed, Allah loves those who repent and those who purify themselves."
(Qur’an 2:222)

    So whatever your hidden sins are, be it leaving the prayers, stealing, lying, zina, or whatever that you think is OK because noone knows?. Stop it, Taubat and be better. Allah knows everything, the All Knowing knows. You still can turn around and be better, it's not too late. 

Live a life worth remembering.

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